I’m almost half way there.
Half way to the moment of pain that I’m a little afraid of, followed by finally getting to meet our PYT (pretty young thing – my nickname for the baby, from an old Michael Jackson song).
As a writer and one who is compelled to share – extrovert! – I thought I would blog about pregnancy a lot. But it turns out I haven’t had a whole lot to say. Strange.
But tonight, I feel ready to commit a few words to paper…metaphorically.
I am a worrier, a person who functions well under pressure and often seeks it out. But this baby has unexpectedly made me mellower than I usually am. I thought I would be constantly thinking about the baby and life after it’s born and be worried and scared. Deciding to get pregnant I was a bundle of chaotic emotions, barely controlled terror actually. And then the amazing thing happened, we made a baby and it was growing inside me. And I kind of chilled out.
Well, there’s all the stress and madness of moving and becoming a teacher. But when I think about the baby, about my changing body and life, I mostly just smile, feel lovey or wonder when its going to really sink in. I tell people, pregnancy happens in the background, it is not something that requires my active attention and input, so it is quietly chugging along while I go about our new life here. With the occasional bout of heartburn or sore feet to remind me that my life is about to change forever.
Well, that’s not entirely accurate. My all encompassing obsession with food and the need to eat large quantities at all hours of the day has been a constant reminder of my growing PYT. But that part has been mostly fun!
Part of the reason I’ve been able to be so laid back about being pregnant is because I’ve been blessed by having a very uneventful and easy pregnancy so far. I pray it continues. I was nauseous the first few months but never puked, TUMS help my heartburn, walking up stairs makes me huff but when hasn’t it really, and my growing belly and body fit into the maternity clothes a kind friend has passed on to me for free. I’ve learned to slow down and nap, hard at first, a joy now. Pretty easy going so far.
Nick and I sometimes look at each other, searching for a sign of change, an indication of the coming joyous turmoil, in the others face. But all we see is the other peering back, looking pleased and a little unsure.
Right now the belly is in its cute, round phase, the size for modeling maternity wear and looking all aglow with child. I’ve only recently started feeling heavy and my knees are starting to wonder why I’ve gained so much weight! I sense in a month or two more I will start to feel more pregnant and feel the “inconveniences” – like needing help with my shoes.
Ok, there is one inconvenience that has made itself known already. Peeing constantly. Sometimes my day seems to revolve around detours to the ladies room. And I can’t sleep for more than two hours at a time without groggily waking to visit the loo. I whine about it a lot but even I have to admit its comical.
Next week Nick and I are going away on a babymoon. A few days alone to moon over our PYT and each other. To say goodbye to our time alone and greet family life. But funnily enough, since we’ve been married, we’ve only lived alone for 9 months. The rest of the time was spent with friends and family either living in our house or with us living in my sister’s house. Even now we have a teenage “sister-daughter” in our care. Perhaps that is why it hasn’t occurred to us to panic or be scared yet. We are too used to having family in our lives, in our home, demanding our care and attention, giving us theirs. A baby will be different but I don’t think it will be completely shocking. The sleep deprivation sure will though!
I’m grateful for my husband, who sees life as potential and opportunity. Who tells me I’m beautiful when my pants don’t fit. Who laughs with me when we both shrug when asked what on earth we going to do about the baby’s last name since we have different last names. I’ve finally started to understand how he exists, in an optimistic, take life as it comes state. It’s just about the only way to deal with change without falling to pieces.
And I hope that the potent cocktail of pregnancy hormones that are helping keep me sane and happy right now, continue to bolster my blues prone brain when my beautiful baby comes. That is my one true fear, lurking on the edges of my mind – that depression, my old foe, will find me when I have a newborn in my arms. I feel relieved that pregnancy has been so positive, I have to guard against the superstitious notion that I’m using up all my “good karma” now, only to be thwarted down the line. But that is fear, the irrational voice. Because if depression has taught me anything, it is that whatever happens I will get through.
Another few months to go, an encounter with pain that I hope will leave me feeling empowered, and then our new life as parents begins.
Tomorrow we find out if we are having a boy or a girl…more on that soon!